UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride

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UnNews

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Tuesday, May 28, 2024, 20:03:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
2. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
3. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
4. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
5. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
6. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
7. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
8. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
9. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
10. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
11. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
12. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
13. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
14. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
15. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
16. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
17. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
18. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
19. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
20. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
21. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
22. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
23. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
24. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
25. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
26. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
27. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
28. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
29. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
30. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
31. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
32. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
33. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
34. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
35. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
36. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
37. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
38. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
39. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
40. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
41. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate fervently
42. To excruciate a salad fork, is to excruciate {{adv})
43. Emperor Palpatine is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.