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Today's featured article – Alexander IV

Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.

Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.

Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)

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Previously featured article – Arthur Currie

General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)

Did you know ...

... even after hundreds of years, Sir Francis Drake remains wary of a Spanish invasion? (pictured)
... that helium is found in natural underground deposits of thousands of party balloons of all colors and sizes?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that the butler did it?
... that I only slept with your wife as a prank?
... that by court order, you can have garnish, like chives and croutons, added to your wages?
... people suffering from writer's block are usually very... something?

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On this day

July 13: Surreptitiously Masturbate Near a Sleeping Stranger Day

1294 - The armies of Kublai Khan would fail to invade Europe due to the distractions of arcade games and lousy pizza and wine in Chuck E. Cheese restaurants they encounter. The Great Khan himself succumbs to the lure of prize tickets exchangeable for gaudy trinkets and would fall off a pony ride in one of the restaurants in the Samarkand region. This led to his death despite his happiness at winning a pencil topper.
1310 - Marco Polo becomes the scourge of every swimming pool in the known world.
c.1880 - The tango is invented to allow Argentians to air out their pits and crotches during a particularly humid summer.
1921 - Sinead O'Connor is arrested for indecent exposure in a coma ward.
1945 - The Manhattan Engineering District achieves its first major success, giving the ability of flight to a medium-sized mouse.
1982 - Adventurous masturbators discover Peter Gabriel's Shock the Monkey and find out that even 9 volts is pretty much the limit. Emergency room staff are highly amused by the experiments and compare the resulting odor to be something like pork barbecue.
1987 - The United States Supreme Court rules that disciplining your monkey near a sleeping stranger (pictured) is unconstitutional.
2003 - Stunningly gorgeous tennis sensation Martina Hingis stuns her fans by announcing her retirement. Her fans cry for days and refuse to eat.
2005 - Uncyclopedia is viciously and unfairly deleted by extremist Wikipedians. Wikipedia then crumbles without a parody site to funnel traffic in its direction.
2009 - The Uncyclopedia Anniversaries break the fourth wall by telling you to get a job, you lazy git!
2010 - The bite marks and the broken arm tell us the job you took at the piranha petting zoo wasn't such a good idea. Unwashed starving hermit might be the better choice for you, then.

Today's featured picture

Some modifications have been made to the newest translation of the Holy Bible. In this scene (often called "Palm Sunday"), Jesus is now riding a raptor. While this was partially made to help make Jesus more accessible to Today's children, the decision was also made because certain Christians didn't want people to be able to say that Jesus was "riding someone's ass" that day. Both scientists and fundamental Christians question the historical accuracy of this account.
From the New Cooler Edition: "And Christ touched the Velociraptor, and the Velociraptor was tamed." Luke 13:37 (NCE)

Image credit: Tshell

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