Today's featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer.
The Rastadon was discovered on February 3, 2007, by one Dr. Professor Ima Walrus, who got his Ph.D. in Zoology at Gotham University, as well as Tom Freebird, who had a B.A. in Sociology, and a minor in Taylor Swift, from Michigan Tech. Their historic discovery was found fifty miles north of Rastos, Nebraska. To date, only one skeleton of a Rastadon has ever been found, where it is currently still in active use. After many tests, Dr. Professor Walrus and Mr. Freebird found that the Rastadon's turn-offs included tobacco cigarettes, uniforms, sirens, and corporate life. Whereas its turn-ons included: pistachio ice cream, herbal medicine, large hollow plastic figurines with pipes sticking out of them, and snack foods. (more...)
The Addams Family is an American family best-known for producing an excessive number of U.S. Presidents. The Roosevelts are in a tie, but not in such short order; so too would be the Clintons, except for certain "deplorable" voters. The Kennedys showed comparable potential, except that various assassins showed more. (more...)
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Did you know...
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- ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer?
- ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan?
- ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person?
- ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa?
- ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares?
- ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world?
- ...that reindeer are never magical?
- ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?
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In the news
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- Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured)
- Grandma gets run over by a reindeer.
- Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong
- While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery
- The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents
- Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh
- Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays
- Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die
- Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused
- Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion
- Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore
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On this day...
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May 15: Feast of St. Kielbasa, patron saint of Polka
- 815 - Aqua Regia, the Royal Crown Cola, is discovered by Henry Cavendish. It proves to be stronger than the previously known most corrosive universal solvent, Coca-Cola.
- 1265 - Crispin Glover is knighted. He leads a crusade to defeat Emperor Pat Boone of Lower Angolia.
- 1352 - Due to a massive landslide in Eastern Mongolia, Hawaii moves in the general direction of New Zealand causing the issuance of a tsunami warning. Tectonic plate activity ensues causing widespread tsunamis and cannabis growth, much to the amusement of the Greens.
- 1512 - The first Running of the Bulls held in Ciudad Viento, Spain. Michael Jordan gores two unlucky fans and Dennis Rodman is destroyed after breaking a leg. Ernest Hemingway is trampled in his ringside seat.
- 1852 - The former King of Wisconsin hands over his royal cheese crown over to the Rebel Cow leader Jizabell, after the successful attempt to overthrow his kingdom.
- 1924 - The country of Foospance is discovered; people of Foospance rejoice.
- 1944 - German General von Allzenheimer tells a Soviet army to "please fuck off".
- 1976 - International Society of Procrastinators debate over forming that organization. They decide to do it later.
- 1998 - The International Society of Procrastinators thinks about threatening those members who are thinking about criticizing the Society.
- 2004 - The International Society of Procrastinators apparently disbands without ever being officially formed.
- 2006 - Several former members of the International Society of Procrastinators are found still loitering in the hallway of the convention center where they thought the formation meeting was scheduled in 1998. They showed up in 2002 and couldn't decide if they should leave.
- 2007 - George W. Bush oversees the production of Burger King's first Texas Double Whopper. Hershey's sues, claiming copyright violation over the name.
- 2008 - Recent tests prove that the remains of George Bush are capable of curing cancer, AIDS, the flu, hair loss, and low gas mileage. Once again, the country doesn't seem to mind.
- 3045 - Scientists discover LeBron James's frozen corpse under Lake Michigan; world peace declared.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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