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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,242 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... the Earth is indeed hollow, but you might fall off the edge trying to find the entrance?
- ... that Donald Trump drinks his covfefe with milk and sugnar?
- ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
- ... that, now that I really think about it, I'm not sure what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is?
- ... That over 100 Martians have been run over by the rover Curiosity?
- ... and that it was all covered up by CGI directed by the clone of Stanley Kubrick?
- ... bingo is the 3rd biggest killer of seniors, ranking just after posing for pictures with wild bears?
- ... that no one ever reads these sentences all the way to the end, except for a select few, who have the diligence and patience, and are bored enough, to read to the very end of these very long, dull and uninteresting sentences?
- ... that if you see Buddha on the road, you should kill him, but first get his autograph on a baseball or something?
- ... that Plato said "Necessity is the mother of invention" but forgot to mention the parts about monkey fur and lemons?
- ... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
- ... that staring into a mirror and saying "Bloody Mary" three times will get you one if you are standing in a pub or bar?
- ... that in the dark, all cats are in the dark, too?
- ... that since north is an impossible direction at the North pole, the latter should be called Not the North pole pole?
- ... that censorship is a tactic practiced by oppressive governments who believe in upholding an arbitrary social standard for the so-called "good of the people" while simultaneously imposing their peremptory moral values on their unwilling populace by dictating what is and what is not necessary for them to experience?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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May 14: Sky's the Limit Day, Fat Guys in Spandex Festival San Francisco, California USA.
- 468 BCE - Sky colour declared blue by Greek philosophers.
- 49 BCE - Sky declared grey by the Roman Republic in order to provoke the Greeks into a fight.
- 1953 - Sky Masterson, a character from the musical Guys and Dolls, is played by Marlon Brando.
- 1973 - Skylab, the United States' first space station, is launched. It will take a dozen Druids to keep it in orbit.
- 1979 - Skylight, the glass thing in my goddamned roof, is greatly expanded by Skylab's wonderful return to Earth. Dammit.
- 1981 - Demise of the International Dark-Sky Association.
- 2005 - Skynet is founded by Marlon Brando, utilizing power module and microchips from a crashed Skylab, and broken glass from some guy's skylight.
- 2006 - Marlon Brando dies in a skydiving accident.
- 2007 - Bill Gates hits puberty.
- 2009 - Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, declares free money for all.
- 2010 - Puberty sues Bill Gates for 'unbelievable infliction of emotional distress and disgusting zits'; asks $500 billion.
- 2012 - Marlon Brando's remains explode, with debris landing as far away as Johannesburg, South Africa.
- 2014 - The Moon sues Bill Gates because doing nothing but orbiting the earth constantly for billions of years is well and truly boring. It seeks all money on Earth or a PC to play on while orbiting.
- 2525 - I lost my keys again :(
- 2990 - Lost keys are located in Howard Beach at the social club of an Italian "Gentleman of Honor" who prefers to remain anonymous.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,242 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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