Motorola 6809
The Motorola 6809 is one of the most evil contraptions known to mankind. The 6809 was made using: 3 eyes of newt, 2 frog legs, 4 lizard tails, and an unknown amount of 'Tear of Student'. To program using a 6809, a student must first feel the wrath of black assembly magic. Formed in a cauldron, black assembly magic is nearly impossible to master, as it was deemed obsolete two years before it was ever created.
Tear of Student[edit]
Tear of Student is one of the rarest, most powerful ingredients used in witchcraft. Fueled by sadness, Tear of student can become saltwater if the original host has prospered and rid themselves of sadness through the aid of Christianity. Through the late 1970s, there was a drought in 'Tear of Student'. This was because of the ending of the Vietnam War made everyone happy. As a result, the almost extinct 'Tear of Student was worth its weight in gold. This is why the Motorola 6809 was made. With Witches everywhere in dire need of Tear of Student, one such which came up with a solution. Using a high amount of Tear of Student, he created a processor so evil, so devastating, that no person could possibly gain any joy of it. All that is left is sadness, and so many tears from students, and the tear shortage could be cured.
Development[edit]
The Motorola 6809 was deemed obsolete by mathematicians and computer scientists at least 2 years before invention. However, the evil witch doctor managed to not only make the device, but allowed the compiler to continue operation. The witch doctor added two more operational instructions, doubling the total instruction set. The assembler itself is old and heavy, and operates at a very hot temperature, comparable to the fires of Hell. As a result, the 6809 can be used as a heat source to boil cauldrons of water, melt metal, and cook eggs.
Witches began drawing up the specifications of the 6809 board early 1979. It had to be slower than a turtle, yet powerful enough to be able to handle black magic. A speed of 1 MegaHertz was selected, however, the true speed is closer to 666 Hertz. The Registers are 8-Bits in size, although some would argue that they are either 4 or 16. It doesn't matter, though, as the processor takes ages to add or subtract any 4, 8, or 16 bit number. Motorola 6809 beta 2.0 (scheduled in 2020) will have the capability of dividing by zero.
Production[edit]
Produced in the deepest caverns of ENG-245, the 6809 began mass production in late 1979. Production had only ceased when 'Tear of Student' supply ran out in 1981. It is for this reason that only 20 boards have been produced, and most of them reside in ENG-211.
Each of the 32 registers had been constructed before the processor had been mixed with the secret ingredients. Each register is made by mixing snake gravy and penguin wings together, with an unknown amount of 'Tear of Student'. This makes the registers withstand the enormous heat created by the obsolete processor, as well as protect the board from salt water tears that may drop on the 6809 board by a depressed student.
RAM on the Motorola 6809 is virtually non-existent, and relies chiefly on the power of magic. This is why it is impossible to find out what is stored on the registers or RAM.
System administrators and support tech cannot fix a disabled 6809 processor, as black mage must resurrect the processor's fallen soul.
Introduction to schools[edit]
Upon its introduction to schools, nearly all universities refused to teach their students this chip, as suicide and drug use had gone up 200%. Staff quickly realized that evil force radiating off of the chip, and tricked the evil witch doctor to banish all but 15 boards. The remaining boards were too powerful in black wizardry; the only way to hide them from first year students was to lock the 6809 chipset boards in the darkest corners of ENG-211. Paired with the 6809 boards are old Pentium III with serial ports, but the presence of the Motorola 6809 has corrupted these once peaceful relics, causing them to delete files and crash before saving homework.
Operating a 6809[edit]
Only with the possession of the Crystal Ball Compiler System, (CBCS) may an evil genius in dark magic assemble code on a 6809. A user must first plug in the power of the 6809 board, link the serial port to the host computer, and then cry.
Timing delays[edit]
The 6809 needs timing delays to waste a user's time. This not only increases frustration and sadness, but decreases knowledge of black magic. A user needs to write a timing delay to make the 1 MHZ processor stop, while more crying is induced. This makes the processor a powerful collector of 'Tear of Student'. Timing Delay Routines (TDR) are always executed in threes, because of magical reference. They are always called DELAY, so the user may never get confused why he is waiting.
Subroutines[edit]
A subroutine is a small routine sandwich. In 6809 syntax, a subroutine can do many things that normal line-by-line assembly magic cannot. These small sandwiches allow the user to jump to different areas of the code, performing various actions.
Branching to subroutines is the most effective way to achieve success, although success with any Motorola 6809 program is subjective.
Types of subroutines[edit]
- Subroutine Sandwich: 2 slices of bologna, one strip of bacon, Dijon mustard, all on a baguette. The most useful sandwich, it is most common in all code excerpts
- Racist Subroutine: Many assume the statement BNE (Branch if not equal) refers to equality of Human Rights. Since this will never be achieved, this condition is always false. Rumored to be a McDonald's McRib sandwich.
Usage Outside of Education[edit]
The 6809 has been disassembled off the standard board configurement to control certain devices. For example, it may control supermarket conveyor belts, street lights, nuclear device time delays, and the timing of the end of the world. The government has placed an embargo on 6809, restricting any further use.
Effects of Using the 6809[edit]
Short Term[edit]
Short term users of the 6809 are lucky. Brief contact only results in sadness and crying for about 2 days. Loss of appetite may occur if a user touches the board physically. Short term users are the least likely to remember the 6809 witchcraft magic, and will not suffer corruption. Short Term Motorola 6809 Syndrome (STM6809S) is an increasing health hazard. Diagnosis of such an ailment only has one cure. The student must drop the computer science major or seek transfer.
Long Term[edit]
Long term users are considered half witches by the FCC. Users have already let the corruption and black magic of the evil assembler sink in. They have no cure for long term users, and many seek Pope Benedict XIII for help. Signs of a long time 6809 user may be short memory, dressing emo, and severe depression.
Advanced Users[edit]
Advanced users are the only ones who have mastered the 6809 architecture. They are full witches and may have earned higher rank in their secret cult. They lounge in the heated confines of ENG-245.To this day, there are only 4 advanced users, one witch doctor, and one master, the evil WitchKing. These people, along with their evil cult, have terrorized 3 generations of computer science majors. In total, it has been assumed they have collected a total of 1 million litres of 'Tear of Student'. If you come into contact with an advanced user, suck the life force out of them by using conductive plyers to short their circuits, which will disable the host.
Protection Against 6809[edit]
Although there is no way to fully protect yourself from the evil sorcery, here are a few helpful tips. Avoid sadness. Motorola 6809 is fueled by sadness, reducing sadness equals less 'Tear of Student', ruining the WitchKing's plans. Drop the course. Without the student being sad, 'Tear of Student' is just salt water. The witches need sadness. Wear garlic. 6809 is an electronic vampire. Although silver or a wooden stake will not kill the 6809, garlic will melt its circuits. If all else fails, call a priest and confess.
Legacy[edit]
The Motorola 6809 boards have no impact on anything except for increasing the world's sadness. Using out of date assembly and techniques, the board has already been replaced by the ENIAC in most operational status. The slow processors have been replaced by conventional calculators in residential sections. More and more schools have began abandoning assembly in general, as the devastation caused by the 6809 reaches the surface of education. As a result, Ryerson is currently the only place where these evil relics can call home, and Dr. Hiraki is the only person they may call "Otou-san".