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Henry (born Heinz) Alfred Kissinger (May 27, 1923 – November 29, 2023) is the most notorious bore of 20th-century international politics and the chief proponent of Realpolitik. He developed an approach to diplomacy called Primat der Außenpolitik and an approach to language involving sprinkling pretentious foreign words everywhere. His unintelligible advice baffled both Richard Nixon and thus certainly Gerald Ford, the two U.S. Presidents under whom he served between 1969 and 1977. His call for détente in U.S.–Soviet relations sent leaders of both nations to the dictionary, hoping it meant something dirty. His diplomacy played a crucial role in 1971 talks with Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai that concluded with a rapprochement between Kissinger and a lot of hot Chinese chicks. In the crowning achievement of his career, he was awarded the 1973 Nobel Peace Prize for talking Nixon out of his last-ditch plan to win the Vietnam War by carpet-bombing Stockholm. (more...)
Previously featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer. (more...)
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that the adage "on the internet, nobody knows you're a dog" has been proven to be false? (pictured)
- ... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
- ... that Every Good Boy Does Floccinaucinihilipilification?
- ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter"?
- ... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
- ... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
- ... that witch-hunting for fun and profit has mostly turned into witch-hunting for fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
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IN 7H3 N3W5
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0N 7HI5 D4Y...
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June 10: Try a New Type of Crappy Food Day, Processed Food Product Appreciation Day
- 31964 BCE - World population reaches 15.
- 31963 BCE - Earth's population becomes 14.5 after strange boulder incident occurs.
- 31962 BCE - Space hobos forced back into ocean once and for all, there is much rejoicing.
- 69 CE - A new way of having sex is invented although not the 69, oddly enough. It was the much less popular 1^1^1, which never really caught on.
- 1932 - Harlem renaissance poet Langston Hughes writes the first Yo momma joke.
- 1979 - Hershey's releases their first non-candy effort, Hugs. (pictured) It does not prove to be popular, as most people are found trying it only once.
- 1992 - The Cherokee Nation becomes extinct due to overpopulation of Grue.
- 2005 - Rosie O'Donnell explodes from over-eating again. Out of 9 lives she now only has one left.
- 2006 - Wayne Rooney kicks a football on live television – crowd goes wild.
- 2007 - The second coming of Elvis occurs. First words are 'I was just kidding everybody...uh huh.'
- 2007 - David Letterman tells something funny. A local black community want him on the KFC menu.
- 2007 - The King's second drug problem is revealed when he is found dead at a Toronto convenience store near the cave he was hiding in.
- 2007 - Pete Sampras declared world's first lead-eating champion by default after being held up in traffic for tournament duration.
- 2010 - First koala goes to the Moon, makes a thrilling scientific discovery and wins the Nobel Prize. Everyone makes 'Aww...' noises. Nine thousand disillusioned koalas top themselves.
- 2016 - The Colonel's recipe of eleven herbs and spices is accidentally revealed, exposing the two-thousand-year-old Illuminati/space alien/Bush/Clinton conspiracy to control the world's supply of food that comes in buckets.
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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