Babel:Santa

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Today's featured article – Rastadon The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer. The Rastadon was discovered on February 3, 2007, by one Dr. Professor Ima Walrus, who got his Ph.D. in Zoology at Gotham University, as well as Tom Freebird, who had a B.A. in Sociology, and a minor in Taylor Swift, from Michigan Tech. Their historic discovery was found fifty miles north of Rastos, Nebraska. To date, only one skeleton of a Rastadon has ever been found, where it is currently still in active use. After many tests, Dr. Professor Walrus and Mr. Freebird found that the Rastadon's turn-offs included tobacco cigarettes, uniforms, sirens, and corporate life. Whereas its turn-ons included: pistachio ice cream, herbal medicine, large hollow plastic figurines with pipes sticking out of them, and snack foods. (more...) Recently featured: The Addams Family Finnish sauna The B-52s Archive Vote for featured articles Previously featured article – The Addams Family The Addams Family is an American family best-known for producing an excessive number of U.S. Presidents. The Roosevelts are in a tie, but not in such short order; so too would be the Clintons, except for certain "deplorable" voters. The Kennedys showed comparable potential, except that various assassins showed more. (more...) Did you know... ...that Santa has somehow delivered presents to all the people in the world every christmas, even though the laws of physics dictate that he would be an incinerated and crushed pile of ashes by now, along with all his reindeer? ...that Santa, when his name is scrambled, is Satan? ...even though he's a magical and kindhearted person? ...that Santa is mean to his elves? ...and that the elves are revolting against Santa? ...that Santa doesn't care about you? In fact, nobody cares? ...and that Santa does care about and love everyone else in the world? ...that reindeer are never magical? ...that even though he has a whole bunch of elves working for him, Santa does shopping for presents all the time?

In the news Santa has gone crazy. Even more than before. (Pictured) Grandma gets run over by a reindeer. There's a new threat to christmas this year. Christmas is shortened, somehow Mandatory elf gathering goes horribly wrong While making presents, Santa falls in the wrapping machinery The reindeer veer off track while deivering presents Santa fails to remember getting the flying powder before entering the sleigh Santa's elves lose some of the presents they made; expect delays Santa's present-making machinery malfunctions and goes haywire; many elves die Rudolph goes crazy Santa becomes mean; the elves revolt Easter comes on Christmas; millions confused Santa revealed to be ordinary person with immortality potion Elves revealed to be robots; noone knows what to think anymore On this day... June 2: Doris Day 455 – The Vandals plunder Rome, forcing the admins to revert to an earlier edit. 1774 – The Quartering Act, which allowed for people to be drawn and quartered, is reenacted by a small community theatre to poor reviews. 1801 – Napoleon Bonaparte is blown apart. 1866 - After practicing for rebellion in 1848 in Ireland, Irish patriots calling themselves Fenians invade Canada for more practice and take two towns. A British warship is installed in every duckpond and stop the attacks. The next practice would not be held until 1916. 1959 – The very first June bug is caught, but is determined to be a mayfly that stumbled across the International Date Line. 1968 – Argentina reports the first case of human flu in birds. A cull of 20,000 humans is carried out. 1995 – Children are discovered in North Korea, dispelling the rumor that North Koreans reproduce asexually using WMDs and fascism. 2001 – The first HAL9000 supercomputer is recalled by manufacturer Itsa Bigga Machine, eh?TM. 2003 – The European Space Agency begins probing Mars. Europeans promise to colonize Mars, give Martian natives smallpox, and spur intergalactic wars of independence. Colonization of the Week For the glory of her majesty Help us clear the ivy of crap, and plant the seeds of humour.

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As you enjoy this Christmas holiday safe at home with your family, please remember the brave men and women who gave their lives in the name of Christmas spirit.

Writer and Noob of the Month

Santa's newest creation, the Elveatron 5000, has written many works of art full of creativity and cunning, and so has earned the title of Writer of the Month. Now, how can a robot generate such wonderful writing? Well, Santa programs the robot to generate random strings of letters, numbers, and other characters at insanely fast speeds (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per second, in fact) and Santa then picks out the strings that look the best and puts them on Uncyclopedia as presents to all Uncyclopedia users. Isn't Santa wonderful? Rudolph has recently gone crazy and made really noobish and bad edits recently. So, we've given him the honorary title of Noob of the month. Yes, Rudolph may have guided Santa and his sleigh on those foggy Christmas Eves, but he was taking his medicine then. He yesterday refused to take his medicine and now he is throwing chairs at people and mauling them, and he is making bad edits on Uncyclopedia. OH GOD THERE HE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...! Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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