Today's featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer.
The Rastadon was discovered on February 3, 2007, by one Dr. Professor Ima Walrus, who got his Ph.D. in Zoology at Gotham University, as well as Tom Freebird, who had a B.A. in Sociology, and a minor in Taylor Swift, from Michigan Tech. Their historic discovery was found fifty miles north of Rastos, Nebraska. To date, only one skeleton of a Rastadon has ever been found, where it is currently still in active use. After many tests, Dr. Professor Walrus and Mr. Freebird found that the Rastadon's turn-offs included tobacco cigarettes, uniforms, sirens, and corporate life. Whereas its turn-ons included: pistachio ice cream, herbal medicine, large hollow plastic figurines with pipes sticking out of them, and snack foods. (more...)
The Addams Family is an American family best-known for producing an excessive number of U.S. Presidents. The Roosevelts are in a tie, but not in such short order; so too would be the Clintons, except for certain "deplorable" voters. The Kennedys showed comparable potential, except that various assassins showed more. (more...)
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that Bees will beat you in a pissing contest? (pictured)
- ...
 is 8th grade math?
- ... that by court order, you can have garnish, like chives and croutons, added to your wages?
- ... goldfish have been found not to be particularly aggressive, yet they can often be found guarding a castle?
- ... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
- ... that during his tragically brief lifetime, Harambe the Silverback Gorilla penned 19 novels and 74 short stories under the pseudonyms Stephenie Meyer and Christine Schutt?
- ... turtles can run at top speeds of 87 miles per hour, but only in short bursts?
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IN 7H3 N3W5
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0N 7HI5 D4Y...
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May 14: Sky's the Limit Day, Fat Guys in Spandex Festival San Francisco, California USA.
- 468 BCE - Sky colour declared blue by Greek philosophers.
- 49 BCE - Sky declared grey by the Roman Republic in order to provoke the Greeks into a fight.
- 1953 - Sky Masterson, a character from the musical Guys and Dolls, is played by Marlon Brando.
- 1973 - Skylab, the United States' first space station, is launched. It will take a dozen Druids to keep it in orbit.
- 1979 - Skylight, the glass thing in my goddamned roof, is greatly expanded by Skylab's wonderful return to Earth. Dammit.
- 1981 - Demise of the International Dark-Sky Association.
- 2005 - Skynet is founded by Marlon Brando, utilizing power module and microchips from a crashed Skylab, and broken glass from some guy's skylight.
- 2006 - Marlon Brando dies in a skydiving accident.
- 2007 - Bill Gates hits puberty.
- 2009 - Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, declares free money for all.
- 2010 - Puberty sues Bill Gates for 'unbelievable infliction of emotional distress and disgusting zits'; asks $500 billion.
- 2012 - Marlon Brando's remains explode, with debris landing as far away as Johannesburg, South Africa.
- 2014 - The Moon sues Bill Gates because doing nothing but orbiting the earth constantly for billions of years is well and truly boring. It seeks all money on Earth or a PC to play on while orbiting.
- 2525 - I lost my keys again :(
- 2990 - Lost keys are located in Howard Beach at the social club of an Italian "Gentleman of Honor" who prefers to remain anonymous.
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